Thanks, Mom..!

(Some reasons why you might want to get long term care insurance.)

How many of us say that we will take care of our parents if they became disabled and could not live alone? Raise your hands! If you’re like me, you have told your mom or dad, “I’ll take care of you, don’t worry. I’ll always be there for you!”

Of course, I must point out that I don’t own a house, my husband and I constantly move due to being renters, and now I’m my husband’s full time caregiver. So it’s a moot point. Where would I put my mother? Would I have enough energy to take care of 2 people, by myself, while also dealing with my own health issues of Hepatitis B and C?

In truth, We just never know what our futures hold, so SAYING you’ll take care of your parents and actually being able to do so when the time comes may be two different stories.

Caregiving requires someone who’s life purpose revolves around service, I think. With the best case scenario, it takes mental, financial and emotional preparation. Yet most of us don’t have that luxury. Caregiving is usually an unexpected necessity, unless other arrangements have been made prior to the need.

If we were to be honest with ourselves, there are many reasons why we offer to be a long term care giver:

Ego - We want to be able to tell ourselves that we are “good” people. Much better than those siblings of ours who wouldn’t think of offering help!

Guilt - Our parents sacrificed their freedom and desires to raise and care for us, so we SHOULD reciprocate when or if the time comes that they need assistance.

Fear - We fear being judged unworthy or unloving by our friends, family, society and even God.

Compassion - We see a person in need and we are compelled by love and understanding to fill that need.

Co-dependency - We see a person in need and we are compelled by ego, guilt and fear to fill that need!

Love - We do everything from a place of love and giving care is simply one facet of loving.

Now lets be honest. Unless you are an ascended Master, the last reason is probably a very small part of the picture, if it plays any part at all.

So, with the ego basically running the show, how long do you think it will take until you are at your wit’s end? How long before you feel resentful or angry at the position you and your parents have put yourselves in? How long before you want “Out”?

Age and your ambitions have a lot to do with it. If you are younger, it might be harder to sacrifice going out on dates or weekend getaways with your friends or lover. It’s not like you are being paid to be a caregiver. When a family member is the one needing care, it’s a 24/7 commitment. It is a much bigger commitment than most of us are prepared for in marriage. Through sickness and health, until death (or a nursing home) do you part! If your loved one is mobility challenged, the confinement becomes even greater for everyone concerned. Are you ready for such a change in a lifestyle?

I was 29 when I became my grandmother’s caregiver. She had mid -tage Alzheimer’s. Even at the “advanced” age of 29, and even though I could leave her by herself for periods of time, it was still difficult for me to curb my natural desires to go out and play.

As a caregiver, even a simple errand such as going to the store becomes a logistical problem. Do you take your loved one(s) with you or not? If so, do they need to be washed up, clothed, diapers changed, dressed, etc? You may need to get them into and out of their wheelchair or scooter several times. Will you have the energy and strength to do that? If they are incontinent you’ll need to bring extra diapers, but where do you change them? If you are gone for any length of time you may need to bring medications or special food. The list is endless.

If you can leave your family member at home for a little while, you will need to make them comfortable ahead of time with food, water, remote control, reading material, music, comfortable seating or resting in bed. Then perhaps you’ll need a neighbor to look in on them while you are out. If you have a neighbor as nice as my mother is, you’re in luck. Unfortunately, most people do not look kindly upon being asked to “baby-sit” another neighbor, especially if it becomes a regular event. Also, if your family member has cognitive deficiencies, having someone else come into the house could be a disaster.

What does this mean for a caregiver who works outside of the home? Well, obviously, you’ll need to either quit your job and become a full time care giver or you will need to set up a day care situation where your family member can be cared for during your working hours. Many of the day care centers will not take someone who is incontinent or is severely cognitively impaired or who needs medication. If your loved one cannot be accepted by a care center, then you will need get in-home help. This can be expensive.

Hired in-home care may cost as much or more than you will make per hour, depending on the level of care required, where you live, and if the caregiver is licensed. It could run anywhere from 8-25 dollars per hour. On that subject; who do you hire?

I once spoke to a woman about coming in to watch my husband while I went for an occasional walk, ran long errands or possibly visited with a friend. This particular woman was taking care of a bed-bound 107 year old neighbor and her 98 year old husband. During our rather impromptu and casual interview ( I ran into her while I was checking the mail and she was smoking a cigarette) she opened up to me. I told her we didn’t allow smoking in the house, then she informed me that smoking was the smallest addiction she had to conquer. Seems she had been a heroine addict and an alcoholic and that she was now trying to stay clean and sober and turn her life around. As the conversation progressed, she also confided that she had been let go from her previous job when her employers finally ran a check on her and saw that she had been in prison. The clincher was that she was living with an practicing alcoholic, whom she met in rehab. Plus, she was still in contact with her junkie husband and her daughter was also a heroine addict.

Oh my!!!

This was the only 2nd person I spoke with about coming into our home to care for my physically defenseless husband. She was the last.

To be fair, she was honest. Yet despite her courage to tell me about her past and present choices, and despite my gut feeling that she was a reasonably caring person, I could not think of hiring her. I wasn’t been judgmental, as she seemed very nice, but I was being protective. I stopped looking for help after that and resigned myself to continue being home-bound with my hubby, as we couldn’t afford to pay “agency” prices. Agencies can be the way to go if you can afford their help, but you still need to be careful.

What if the aforementioned person hadn’t been honest? What if she had given me a different, more glowing, account of her life? What if she had lied to provide for and protect herself? I wouldn’t blame her, as she would have been acting in self-preservation. However, there are others who are not only dishonest, but also dangerous.

How does one do back-ground checks? How much do they cost? How do you know that a person isn’t simply ACTING compassionate and honorable when you speak with them? How can you tell if a person has a bad temper or if he/she would become violent or is a thief?

How do you choose a person who will be compatible, considerate and responsible? These are all hard issues that one must be prepared to deal with while being a long term caregiver.

After all these considerations, you may still eventually need to put your loved one into an assisted living or nursing care facility or obtain in-home nursing care. This is when your loved one needs things like intravenous injections or PIC lines changed or a permanent catheter changed. There is some care that most folks are not trained to give or that we would feel better about having a nurse perform. We all hope that we’ll pass over before needing skilled nursing care, but many of us simply live too long. We might need skilled nursing care a few times a week and it can get quite expensive.

Fortunately, my sweetie has not gotten to that point yet and we both pray he never does. He hasn’t even gotten a pressure sore yet (hurray/knock on wood) even though he sits in a chair 14 or more hours a day. However, he does need help with every activity of daily living. That means I need to assist him in dressing, ambulation (walking) and transferring onto and off of chairs, in and out of cars or bed. He also needs assistance with eating, bathing and all matters concerned with toileting.

And that’s on his good days!

My husband cannot walk with his walker without me holding onto his gait belt, because he falls. Last Thanksgiving he ended up in the hospital from a serious fall. It threw him into a severe exacerbation which lasted for weeks. Then he fell in December and again in January. Each time put him in bed - basically paralyzed. Every exacerbation took him down a notch, from which he has not totally recovered. He is out of bed now and with my help, on “good” days, he can walk very a few feet with his walker.

If he were to have stayed in the condition he was in during his exacerbations, I would not have been able to care for him. He would have had to go into a facility where there are strong people who could pick him up to change and bathe him. As it was, I injured my shoulder in November from the constant pulling and tugging required to move him. It is now June and my shoulder has still not healed.

Since the last fall I have become his constant shadow. How would you like never being able to get away from your wife, guys? Yowza! No wonder my darling one gets so grumpy! He is confined to a life of looking at my face, listening to my voice and dealing with my moods for the rest of his life, unless I cack first or he goes into a nursing facility. Sometimes he wishes he had someone else to come in and help, just so that we could get a breather from one another!

There is another reason for leaving one’s home and many belongings to live in an assisted living. Socialization. It can get very lonely and boring staying in the house with only one other person. If it is difficult to leave the house then the telephone, television or computer become one’s social lifeline. In an assisted living facility you have lots of folks in the same boat. You get cooked meals, work-out time, outings - if you are able - activities and very close neighbors. Providing you LIKE your neighbors you could have more fun in assisted living than you might have at home.

Just something to think about. We can’t afford to live in one, although that would be the answer to many of our problems. Clay doesn’t have LTC insurance. I do, though. I bought it when I turned 45. If he dies first and I need care, I will be taken care of for the rest of my days. No depending on my kids, no having to deal with screaming grandchildren if I’m sick or frail, no trying to pay rent or utilities if I’m too confused - my insurance will take care of it all.

My mother, bless her heart, bought long term care insurance before she turned 70. She did so after caring for her mother during Nana’s later stages of Alzheimer’s. I had taken the first “shift” for a couple of years until I became ill. Mom got the hardest part.

Mom swears she will not become a burden on her daughters, so she forks out a hefty LTC insurance premium every year (not as hefty as it would have been had she waited a few more years, though). For that I bless her and feel so grateful.

It’s not that I don’t love my mother. I’m the one who said I’d always be there for her, remember? It’s just that long term care giving can be a bit overwhelming and I have my hands full already.

So thanks, Mom! You’re the best!